When you feel powerless …..

Rescuer

The book ‘Men are from mars and women are from venus’ talks about a man’s desire to fix things.  When you tell a man something they are usually thinking of a solution before the sentence has finished, BUT my realisation recently on this is that we ALL do this – we all want to have the power to change things for others including those closest to us – we want to fix their marriage problems, change their financial circumstances and generally make it all rosy for them.

What happens though when we are powerless to act? When the thing they are going through we cannot help and we cannot make it go away, all we seem to be able to do is watch them suffer.  Not a cheery subject you might say but a real one none the less.

I’ve heard many parents talk about the pain of watching their children struggle with making sense of life.  Whether its a six year old being called names at school, a teenager wrestling with identity, a twenty year old, entering another unhealthy relationship or  watching a colleague struggle with deadlines, performance, targets and pressure of a harsh work environment can be difficult.  All these things are painful to watch and can crush our spirits at times.

So what is this drive or need to want to make things better for people and how can we support them when we are powerless?

I read an article recently in the November 2009 issue of Psychologies Magazine that explored why we feel the need to rescue others.   The article talked about this in quite a negative way ‘we all know rescuers, in the best of circumstances they are the people who recognise our needs and nurture us who show a selfless benevolence.  And yet, they can also be people we go out of our way to avoid.  In their presence, we feel helpless, like a project rather than an equal’.

It goes onto say there are four types of rescuers or ‘white knights’, according to clinical psychologists Dr Mary C Lamia and Dr Marilyn J Krieger.  ‘Tarnished’ white knights are people who feel a strong sense of inadequacy, often trying to meet goals set by parents or others in childhood.  They want to minimise their own weaknesses so put blame on others.  The ‘Terrorising/Terrified’ white knight may have experienced violence in childhood, and felt helplessness and fear.  They need to maintain a sense of emotional safety and avoid abandonment at all cost, some may bully and use abusive behaviour to gain control.  The third is ‘Overly Empathic’, determined to be adored by others for saving them – regardless of whether they wanted saving.  And finally ‘Balanced’, which is the healthiest of all rescuers.

So back to my original question, once we’ve examined our own motives and established that our need to help is a balanced need – how can we then support those around us when we feel powerless?

1. Listen – just listen without giving your advice, feedback or suggestions.  To have someone genuinely listen to you and not try to fix you is a remarkably powerful thing and can be very cathartic.
2. Support – be there for them – I know we’ve heard this all before but let them know you are there and will support them in whatever way possible – if they need a night out then babysit, if they need food then cook for them, if they need space then give it to them.
3. Inspire – inspiration is not something you force on people – you can’t make them be encouraged by the words you say or how you live.  All you can do though is live your life in the best way you know how to do and be an inspiration to others.
4. Acknowledge and notice – the less you talk about something doesn’t make the person forget.  If someone is grieving and you don’t mention it, it can make people feel forgotten and isolated.  Acknowledge their pain and notice them.
5. Believe in them – people are naturally creative, resourceful and whole.  Let them find their way.  They may want someone to hold them and sometimes even guide them BUT they know the way and if they don’t right now then believe that they will find it.  We all have to go through valleys of discovery at times and they bring us to a brighter place eventually!

The five topics are addressed throughout the coaching journey. Coaching is a safe place to be heard, supported, inspired, acknowledged and believed in. If you feel you would benefit from 1-2-1 coaching then please get in touch with me today by either sending an email to nicola@ripplescoaching.co.uk or calling me on 0121 288 1215